Church Ladies (5/30/08)

I went to church against my will. My mom, grandmother, sister, great aunt, and aunt were there. It was upstate ny.
Church is not a place I go to.
It sucked hard.
First there was that boring begining part. That was boring. Then we all had to crowd the front part (Pulpit? Stage? Front part?) like it's a concert. The pervert priest was behind me massaging my shoulders. I was trying to shrug him off and get him away from me. He wasn't taking the hint so I had to get loud and beligerent with him. Fuckhead.

There was a third part that was like the first part in that it was boring and it involved being bored in the pews. Mass ended at long last. People were filing out and new people were filing in for the next service. My grandmother, who passed on 12 years ago, needed some help getting out of the pews. I was told to go back in and get her.

Some new old ladies had already sat down in that pew, blocking in my grandmother. I kindly asked them to get up so I could get my grandmother out. One old lady accused me of wanting to get back into the pews to get a really good seat (i.e. like these ladies had) for the next service, the implecation being that I had been in the first service and liked it so much that I was going to stay to see it again.

"Shut the fuck up and move!" I say.

A lady in the pew behind this one says something like "Well listen to you, young lady! You cuss like you are from Arizona, or Connecticut!". It's like both an insult and a pseudo-intelligent conversation starter.

"You bet your ass I'm from CT!"

Meanwhile someone else from my entourage gets my grandmother out from the other end of the pew. I dismiss the old ladies with the hawaiian good luck gesture and go to leave.

My punk ass family left without me. The church was near some sort of naval yard. There were tanker ships full of milk pulling into port. Since I was trespassing somehow I told them I was an official. They left me alone after that. Then I broke something at the docks and one of the docks started bobbing into the water. I don't like water. I stumble away to higher ground. My mom is waiting there disapproving of my whole lie about being a milk official and stuff. Whatever. We go to the gift shop.

the end.


high school? (5/26/08)

I'm putzing around High School again, and not going to classes or doing any work. I'm just waiting for someone to call me on that so I can be like "Ha! I don't have to go to class, I graduated 12 years ago! Peace Bitches!".

In between classes that I'm not attending I went to visit Sarizona in her appartment.
A guy was there. He said he needed to go. I show Sarizona the school project I did anyways even though I don't have to. Pieces fall everywhere and she chides me and tries to get me to leave. I guess the guy is coming back over. They are a couple or something. I run into him as I leave.

Cats (5/25/08)

I'm on the couch and sister is in the reclining chair. She sees a cat fight starting up behind me. She tells me that Cannibal is puffing up and is getting ready to kick Spam's ass. I slowly turn my head to look and Cannibal is indeed inflated to about 4 feet wide now.


Dethklok (5/24/08)

I run into the animated metal band Dethklok. I'm some sort of producer/artist with awesome blue hair. I help them out with production/artistic stuff, date Nathan Explosion, and tell Toki that he's adorable.


Semi-Plant (5/20/08)

In an underground facility the government has weird experimental shit. Smart fish, old dudes with medication, Tuvok, and a Semi-plant. The semi-plant is sortof a plant but also sortof anthropomorphic and mobile.

These government experiments secretly work in a nearby underground mall. This is how they train them to be around normal humans without looking or acting like experimental freaks. The semi-plant worked at an ice cream shop. Tuvok would not tell her (not really female, but girl shaped) how much the ice cream was, so when customers came and asked for some it was a big hassle for everyone.

Sometime later the plant was chilling with the old dude and sharing his medication. The smart fish were there too, acting like fish in a tank. The plant gets the idea to stab the old dude, take his meds, and leave the facility. She does this and then threatens the fish to keep them quiet.

She goes to the mall to hide among the people. She looks enough like a person to not freak anyone out. The government is pissed. Thier old dude is dead and his medication is gone, the fish are acting dumb, and the semi-plant is escaped.

The plant hung out around the food court alot, looking for essential nutrients. The food court does not have those, but it does have fried stuff and cake. She moves on to the men's changing room. She walks in and heads to the last stall and starts making out with the guy in there. He thinks it's his lucky day, a hot chick raping him in the changing room.

An hour or so later the government is alerted to an incident at the mall involving this young man who is severely dehydrated and has weird puckered marks on his body. Clearly the semi-plant was there and has nearly drained him of all his moisture. They go searching for the plant now that they know where she is. She needs to be neutralized.

Through the crowd she sees them but they don't see her. She weaves in and out of the clothes racks and steals a shawl. The government guys don't want the plant to leave the mall and possibly be captured by a rival government. Undercover agents are posted outside the mall to get her as she leaves. She has a few close calls in the mall and decides to head toward the door. Shots are fired and she retreats to the mall. She finds the hidden entrance for supply trucks and she heads for that, hoping it is not guarded.

She confidently strolls out with the stolen shawl. As she enters the day light and turns the corner to begin her new life an undercover agent shoots her between the eyes. Just like in the movies, she has enough time to reach up and touch it, look surprised, and take a step before collapsing to the ground, dead. To bystanders it just looks like a random shooting. No one will ever know of the government facility, Tuvok, the smart fish, the old dude with medication, or the semi-plant.


Prince Caspian (5/18/08)

I'm on campus in the computer lab and a few comps down from me is Ben Barnes (prince caspian). He thinks he is hot shit. Chicks can't get enough of his hot self.
(it's like an entire dream of him telling me how kick ass he is)

Buisiness Trip? (5/16/08)

I end up around suburban Chicago for buisiness. In my hotel I run into a guy I went to high school with. I was just about to run out for some dinner and I invited the guy along. I kinda wanted a burger. I decided I would call Cryozombie to ask about where I might find a good burger place. My hotel room is a buisness room, and it has many tables and wall outlets and phones and junk in it. I go to use a phone to call him and I pull his number up on my cell phone. 847 555 01... The last two digits are cut off. Damn. I guess I will have to find my own burger place.


Star Trek: Voyager (5/15/08)

The episode begins with the crew attending a party in this massive ball room. The alien spiecies seems really friendly. They are about 12" shorter than most humans and they are not really easy on the eyes, so it's a really good thing that they are nice. They are space rednecks.

They are really pressuring thier Starfleet visitors to try the cake. It is vaguely cake shaped, but it looks kinda weird, like it was made with atypical cake ingredients, or is vegan or something. It smells weird too. No one wants it. I take a piece but pick at it. It's bad.

The aliens reveal thier crazy ass plot, which is to capture the visiting crew members and eat them. There are no animals on thier world except for them. Everything is plants. My crew mates transport off out of the ball room. I fly away (I can fly).

We all think the episode is over until 3 (2 adult brothers and one tweener son) of the aliens transport aboard the ship to get us. Fortunately for us water is like sulphuric acid to them, and we have vast supplies of water and water guns. They come down the hallway, we make a stand and blast them with water. It has an effect, but they scream, shrug it off, and continue to advance. Lucky for me I can be invisble. The aliens will pop into a room looking for crew and I can ambush them. I got the kid really good. He's on the floor whining like a little bitch about his horrible chemical burns and his dad is all like "Why did you do that? He's only a kid?". I shoot him with water too. Bitches.

We kick the aliens back to thier ballroom. It breaks the ballroom. Apparently thier planet is a lush rain forest and the ballrooms are like giant hovering wooden crates (those fucking rednecks). In the forest there is another alien species that is way less redneck but still after a sentient source of meat. The ballrooms crashing to the ground will provide them with rednecky aliens to conquer and eat.

This weird mission is complete, and Voyager aims for earth and continues it's voyage.


Hungry Much?? (5/8/08)

I had a bag of KFC chicken. I was supposed to stick it in the freezer for later. I ended up eating like 3 drumsticks before I stuck it in the freezer. What? It'll probably be me who finishes the rest of it later anyways.

Sister, Dad and I were hanging out in some shopping area and we decided to go to a mall. It was right about 9pm, closing time, and every store had the grate down over the door.

A kiosk in the middle of the mall was not completely shut down yet. It was a dipping sauce kiosk (you know how salsa dealerships have jars open with a dish of pretzels nearby?). On the counter was a bowl of pretzel sticks and next to that was a bowl of white chocolate-caramel sauce. I ran up to it and tried some. It was good. As my fam came over a new blob of sauce dripped down from the ceiling. This is where it is dispensed. Weird. The kiosk girl shuts the ceiling dispenser off and closes the rest of the kiosk.

Food places in the mall are still open though, and I was running ahead looking for a Long John Silvers. I've never been to this mall, it's possible. IDK. I couldn't find one. So I went looking for the airport (in my dreams all malls have airports and schools attatched). I'm told that this mall does not have one, which also means that I won't have a hotel reservation there in the mall either.


Bake Sale!!! (5/5/08)

(I really miss bake sales)

I come out of my boring ass college class room and head towards my next class. Out of the corner of my eye I see cupcakes on a table. I reverse course ASAP. A Bake Sale!!!! Yay!!!

I choose a really good looking cupcake first. This guy I went to high school with recommends a particular cookie so I get a few of those. I see some red velvet mint squares and I get one of those because that is a weird combo. A few other things go into my paper bag before I decide that I really need to get to my next class (though if I don't get there before it starts I'll just go find some corner to chill in with my bag of goods [you know, and cut class completely. Fuck school]). Plus, I've totally forgotten what classroom this next class is in, I just know it's position relative to the hallway, and if I don't approach it from that hallway I will be lost.

I end up getting lost anyhow. I took some random road around the campus and had to cross the entire thing to get to that building. As I am cutting through the grounds I come to a gathering of people celebrating something. One of the LLB managerlings is there and it's her adopted sister who is being honored for something. Weird. Ok. I get to my class, which is now spread out in an open air but carpetted hallway. The professor, who is also this managerling, is reading some short stories. Then she tells us to write one. It can be fiction or non-fiction. I have no idea what to write so I get out a cookie and think about it. I get crumbs all over myself (these damn boobs) so I shake them onto the floor. It's open to the outside, some animal will come in later and lick them up off the floor. Whatever.

Class ends and I get on a bus to Vegas. We get there and the bus parks, but the place we were going wasn't ready for us yet. Someone there sends along a platter of caramel-drizzled brownies for us. I took it upon myself to walk the platter down the bus to serve everyone. This way I can snag several as my payment for helping out. Most people on the bus take one, a few are taking two (like me), and still others are loading thier hands up. I run out before I get to the last half of the bus. Oopse sorry.


The OkCupid town (5/3/08)

I and some random guy-friends were doing something. One of the guys was all concerned that he would lose custody of his kid, and child services was coming to inspect the living conditoions today, and something was wrong with this guy's body. Not like fatness, or illness, but like we sharpied obscenities all over him or something, and that is not conduicive to raising a small child. I came up with the idea of baking cookies (to show how he treats the kid good) and having the guy get into some Barney suit to cover all the pen marks (to show how he's a good dad or something). Someone gets dishwasher detergent granules into the cookies and there is much drama over it from me (WTF dudes?!?) but then I had a brownie mix and I told them to go make that. The child service person was pleased and the guy got to keep his kid.

Another of the guys was really impressed with how I handled this situation and with how wise I am and he embraced me. I could feel it in my gut (and against my thigh) that he really liked me. He even said so. We were going to get together later and like get together.

Later comes and he blows me off. Whatever. I see it in his OKCupid profile that I have been put on the back burner and stuff. Ass. I unfriend him and go out. People around town are coming up to me with thier phone numbers and propositions, especially the swinger couples and the lesbians. Clearly my profile has been tampered with. Eh. At least I'm popular and people are trying to hook up with me. I see that guy while I'm out and he totally breezes past me like I'm not there.


High School Reuinion w/Pringles (5/1/08)

I went to my high school reunion. It was dumb. There was cake with a bowl of extra frosting to put on it, that was pretty cool. People were giving me dirty looks when I kept serving myself cake. Fuck them, I'm a grown up, I'll do what I want. The feature that everyone was looking forward to though was the unveiling of like 50 new gourmet flavors of Pringles.