Bank of America Cake Proccessing Center (7/6/09)

I'm at my temp job at Bank of America. I guess they called me back in for more temp/seasonal stuff. This time they need me in their cake dec department.

I'm in there and I'm decorating this cake with this long-ass full-of-consonants probably Polish name on it when I realize that I have my cell phone in my pocket from when I was on break. Shit. We are really really not allowed to have our phones with us when we are anywhere other than the cafeteria. Being caught with one will get you fired. There is sensitive information in the back rooms and they don't want us taking pictures of it or calling anyone to tell them about it.

I can't even really try to excuse myself to use the bathroom, or get an advil out of my locker without one of the bank officials maybe snagging me for a not-so-random pocket search. It's just a temp job, but I really would rather not be fired from it.

Claire's Corner Copia (5-1-09)A

There is this vegetarian bakery/deli in New Haven called Claire's Corner Copia. Apparently if you are the last patron in the shop (like if the shop empties suddenly, not at the end of the day neccesarily) the staff will kill you. This was a little known fact, otherwise I'd imagine they would have 0 patrons all the time.

I go there one day fully knowing this. It is totally busy when I get there. Lines everywhere. I line up and choose a slice of cake and order it. While I am slowly eating the cake the shop starts to empty out. When there are just myself and another person in the store, the manager somes over and asks me if I need anything else. I say a drink of water, and also that I will be leaving this establishment alive today. The manager looks at me with a raised eyebrown, I look at him with a raised eyebrow. The other customer leaves. The staff lunges at me and I kick all thier asses and leave. Losers. I went there several more times to hand out ass kickings because it's fun as hell. Plus the cake is really good.

..Goes to Jupiter to get More Stupider (4/07/09)B

The spaceship from Jupiter is round and can't fly very well. Or, maybe it isn't being steered very well. It sucks. It bounces around in the sky like a glowing retard. We get on it anyways. We go to Jupiter.

Why do we go to Jupiter? We hear they have coconut cake. That is why. We, sister and I, find ourselves in this hallway with extremely tall ceilings. There are doors leading to lecture halls that also have tall ceilings. Somewhere in a lecture hall on Jupiter is a fat lady with a cake and I want to find out which lecture hall it is in.

Star Trek: Voyager (5/15/08)

The episode begins with the crew attending a party in this massive ball room. The alien spiecies seems really friendly. They are about 12" shorter than most humans and they are not really easy on the eyes, so it's a really good thing that they are nice. They are space rednecks.

They are really pressuring thier Starfleet visitors to try the cake. It is vaguely cake shaped, but it looks kinda weird, like it was made with atypical cake ingredients, or is vegan or something. It smells weird too. No one wants it. I take a piece but pick at it. It's bad.

The aliens reveal thier crazy ass plot, which is to capture the visiting crew members and eat them. There are no animals on thier world except for them. Everything is plants. My crew mates transport off out of the ball room. I fly away (I can fly).

We all think the episode is over until 3 (2 adult brothers and one tweener son) of the aliens transport aboard the ship to get us. Fortunately for us water is like sulphuric acid to them, and we have vast supplies of water and water guns. They come down the hallway, we make a stand and blast them with water. It has an effect, but they scream, shrug it off, and continue to advance. Lucky for me I can be invisble. The aliens will pop into a room looking for crew and I can ambush them. I got the kid really good. He's on the floor whining like a little bitch about his horrible chemical burns and his dad is all like "Why did you do that? He's only a kid?". I shoot him with water too. Bitches.

We kick the aliens back to thier ballroom. It breaks the ballroom. Apparently thier planet is a lush rain forest and the ballrooms are like giant hovering wooden crates (those fucking rednecks). In the forest there is another alien species that is way less redneck but still after a sentient source of meat. The ballrooms crashing to the ground will provide them with rednecky aliens to conquer and eat.

This weird mission is complete, and Voyager aims for earth and continues it's voyage.

High School Reuinion w/Pringles (5/1/08)

I went to my high school reunion. It was dumb. There was cake with a bowl of extra frosting to put on it, that was pretty cool. People were giving me dirty looks when I kept serving myself cake. Fuck them, I'm a grown up, I'll do what I want. The feature that everyone was looking forward to though was the unveiling of like 50 new gourmet flavors of Pringles.

Cakes (4/29/08)C

I baked a cake because I felt like it. I like cakes. I took it to the kitchen (apparently I did not bake it in the kitchen) so I could put it in the cake keeper. I find the top of the cake keeper but I can't find the bottom. Oh, there is the bottom, it is under another cake. This other cake is shaped like a cat. It is fairly detailed. I guess the top of the keeper wasn't on it because the cat cake stuck out past the bottom of the keeper. This cake was being taken somewhere, and since we don't have big cake boxes in the house it had to be slid into a plastic bag. The ears broke off.

The Spiders and the Bees & Texas Road Trip (4/6/08)

I'm in my room in the old house eating the corners off a square cake. It can't fit under the round cake keeper until I do this, and I can't hide it in my room without a cover. There are bees and spiders in my room. One really huge bee was flying around and it landed on my wall near a spider that was in my window. The bee tripped some sort of web line and got stuck, and the spider jumped on it and started munching the hell out of it. Bee parts were flying everywhere. When the spider was done, it felt guilty about it, and hid the evidence of the dried out bee husk on my bed, and then it crawled into the radiator to hide.

@@@@@

Later on in my room in the old house (CT) I was using Sarizona's laptop computer, which I borowed to use in my old room. I hear my cat Sneakers in the hall way growling at something. Another cat probably. I go to open my door to let her in, and someone kicks her into my door. WTF? Some random cousin is in the hall kicking my cat? Bitch. I go use the laptop to blog about it while eating cake corners. Why are there even random cousins in the old house?

Later on Dad gets us (dad, mom, sister, myself, 2 random evil cousins, some dude, ..etc) all into the car to go to Arlen TX, which apparently isn't just a made up town in King Of The Hill. It has a museum in it. The car is so loaded down with luggage and people and is sortof cone shaped now. Evidently I was in a hurry and I only packed the computer. I had only the clothes I was wearing, which was a large tee shirt/pajama shirt with no underwear. Oopse.

I'm there in the car with Sarizona's laptop on my lap and I'm trying to get the touch screen to work. What a piece of shit it is, with it's non-working touch screen and it's big round heavy monitor. A random evil cousin, in a rare moment of friendliness, started talking to me about Churches Chicken, and asked what kind of service the comp got on this huge snow covered mountain in the middle of nowhere. Bad service, it turns out, I was using up Sarizona's free minutes like crazy, so I shut it off and stowed it.

Yeah, so there is this huge mountain we are driving across. It is covered with snow and ice, the roads are narrow and poorly marked, some of the roads go through people's bedrooms (and you can see thier socked feet sticking out from the covers), and there are strange UFO things in the sky (Marfa lights??). It wasn't fun. We get off the mountain and enter Arlen right at dawn. Yay? We park at the museum and as we are getting out of the car a random evil cousin pushes me. Okay...

The museum is dumb. I ask to go back to the car to make sure Sarizona's computer is hidden properly. It is huge and retarded with it's big ass round monitor and non-functioning touch screen. Also I wanted to get away from the cousins so I could talk about them to my parents. Problem is I wasn't to sure what they looked like so I have to be careful that nobody is around when I'm talking about them. This is imposible to do as Arlen Museum is a real happening place in the early morning hours.