Horatio Sans (10/23/09)

I'm sleeping in my bed and as I'm waking up I roll over and face the window. In the window is a guy looking in on me. I'm barely awake and for a moment this makes sense. Also, when I am barely awake stupid things make sense. Then I realize there really is a guy in the window, that he is standing on another guy who is in a wheelchair (that's how he's tall enough to see in), and he's holding a sheep which is also staring at me so I jump up and call 911.

The robot voice on the line asks me what my emergency is and I tell it that there is a guy who looks like Horatio Sans holding a sheep and looking in my bedroom window while standing on a guy in a wheelchair. As I'm on the phone Horatio Sans gets down and leaves, dragging his sheep and his wheelchair guy with him. I ask the 911 robot to send cops to investigate this guy and I realize that the line is dead. No cops came out, probably because they thought I was making shit up.

I leave the bedroom and go down stairs and Horatio Sans is trying to get into the house! Shit!

Stephen Colbert (10/16/09)

For some reason Stephen Colbert is sending me engagement rings through the mail. He doesn't really know me very well, and this is probably why none of the rings fit or really seem to be a ring I would want. I have to keep sending them back and politely declining the offer. It must be for some kind of sketch for the Colbert Report.

Blumpkins (10/09/09)

I'm in this store with a group of people. The store has innocent products in it and also smutty products. It's like that mall chain store who may or may not still exist and I can't think of their name right now. I'm walking around looking at the variety of stuff.

At some point I realize that I need to go pee so I seek out the public restroom. The bathroom was huge and had many stalls. There were armed guards in it too as the bathroom was unisex, and they don't want anyone being raped unwillingly. Man, was that bathroom a busy place! I wander through all the halls looking for an empty stall (and by STALL I mean a cubical with low walls around it so everyone can see what you are doing). I see all kinds of depravity going on. One whole row of stalls was dudes getting blumpkins (look it up).

(This post will get me a bunch of random hits from pervs!)

cupcakes (10.5.09)B

I am at a banquet with my BF and a few other people. There are many other people there too. I had made cupcakes for the event and they turned out shockingly good. The rest of the event was spent with me trying to locate my cupcakes.

Eventually the event ends and it's just my people who are still milling around. My BF sends me on a mission to find more cupcakes (like I wasn't already doing that all night). I happen across the staff's fridge. It has left overs in it. I check all over and there are none of my cupcakes left it seems. There are other confections though, and I cram my face full of them.

Flooding! (10.5.09)A

The river is flooding. I hate that. Flood water is always this murky water that is spooky and gross.

We are driving over that bridge near Bart's and the river is only 1 to 2 feet under the bridge and I'm feeling claustrophobic about it.

Soon after I have to use a boat to get around town.

The MALL pt 2 (9.16.09)B

I end up in a less geologically active mall someplace else. I first walk into a Panera-type place and people I know are working there. I hang out for a few minutes and help them with some tomatoes. From there I walk into the mall and I find that most of the stores are closing. It's close to 9pm. Well crap.

I wander around the closed mall for a few minutes looking for anything that might be open still. Nothing is, but I do see people setting up signs for a Buffalo Wings convention that was going to be at that mall the next day. I might have to come back and check that out.

On my way out of the mall I come to some charity book sale in a tunnel leading out of the mall. I spot some knitting magazine with like a knitted fruit motif on the cover and that entices me to stop and look around more. There were craft supplies mixed in with the books. I found some pony beads that were shaped like dinosaurs. I add them to my stuff to buy.

The MALL pt 1 (9.16.09)A

I'm wandering around the mall and I'm getting bored with it so I go to leave and end up in a parking garage. It's dark and dank and spooky and I can hear the ocean. I go towards the opening to go out of the garage as my car was not parked in the garage. I get to the outside and I'm on some craggy beach. The waves come up and crash and sizzle on the rocks. Sizzle? That's weird. I look behind me and the mall is being swallowed by lava! I teleport out of there.

Itty Bitty Kitty (9/15/09)

I am cleaning stuff out of the house for a tag sale and I notice a small fuzzy spot on the wall near the light switch. It is more or less round, black, and has a cat's face. It gets off the wall and into my bed. I continue getting stuff together for that tag sale. It sleeps on my bed.

Pizza and 15 minutes of fame (9.9.09)

In preparation for my free pizza and Dr Pepper lunch tomorow, I spent the evening prepping for my 15 minute talk spot that came with the free pizza. Apparently it was "Win lunch for 20 at your office and host a tv talk show for 15 minutes" ...yay.....?
Not great with public speaking, and 15 minutes is an eternity.

Spiders (9/08/09)

I'm lying in my bed and my right arm is draped over the bed. I start feeling a stinking piercing pain in my hand so I pull my hand up. On the back of my hand is a spider slightly smaller than the back of my hand. It's little spider claws are holding onto my skin and it's fangs are digging into the knuckles on my hand. I can't shake it off. It keeps digging into my hand.

Native Maine-Ahhsholes! (9.1.09)

The BF and I are on a vacation to Maine of all fucking places. There are like 49 other states I'd rather be in but whatever.
We drive up to this rocky parking lot overlooking a tidal marshy-thing. The parking spot we have faces this sketchy tavern (poorly!) constructed out of odd bits of wood that is sortof standing above this marsh on a series of stilts. The only way to get to this tavern is by crossing over this 1/4 mile long wooden walkway, which is also up on stilts of questionable craftsmanship. The walkway extends away from us and connects up to a neighborhood on the other side of this marsh.

This place looks like crap, we collectively think, just before the rotted out stilts collapse and the shoddy building falls into the marsh. What can you really expect from a state that brought you that company that built it's reputation on boots that fall apart? We laugh our asses off.

As I am trying to drive away the car starts sliding backwards through the gravel parking lot. We come to a rest at the end of the parking lot without hitting anything and manage to drive away. We consider going to like Panera or something.

We decide Panera is too easy of a choce, and we end up at some questionable diner who has it's menus in old text books and children's stories.

Lame.

Snakes in a Drain! (July 09)

(Mother's Dream)

She was told to look in the back yard because there was this 30 foot snake there. She's a huge fan of having snakes on the property. She looks out there and sees the 30 ft snake. Another 30 foot snake arrives and it is revealed that they will be out there to mate. Even funner!

The snakes mated, then they turned to liquid and flowed into a drain in the ground. A 3rd snake appears later with 2 bumps in it's body. This is what actually happened to the other snakes.

Now that all this snake drama was over my mom could go back to more important things, like that tea-tasting project for school. She had to sample 12 different teas and then do a write up on them. She's also a huge fan of drinking tea. My dad also had to do this tea project for school so he was in the other room drinking his tea. We, the little kids, were disruptive and squeally.

Bank of America Cake Proccessing Center (7/6/09)

I'm at my temp job at Bank of America. I guess they called me back in for more temp/seasonal stuff. This time they need me in their cake dec department.

I'm in there and I'm decorating this cake with this long-ass full-of-consonants probably Polish name on it when I realize that I have my cell phone in my pocket from when I was on break. Shit. We are really really not allowed to have our phones with us when we are anywhere other than the cafeteria. Being caught with one will get you fired. There is sensitive information in the back rooms and they don't want us taking pictures of it or calling anyone to tell them about it.

I can't even really try to excuse myself to use the bathroom, or get an advil out of my locker without one of the bank officials maybe snagging me for a not-so-random pocket search. It's just a temp job, but I really would rather not be fired from it.

Need to Pee!!! (5/17/09)

I am out one day at work/school and I realize that I need to pee. Like really bad. I go looking for a bathroom. I find one but I can't pee. I just can't pee this much in a public restroom.

I decide that I will go home to pee and that I want to do so before sister gets home from wherever she is because for some reason this matters. It's snowing outside now. I figure I should really try to get home soon, because the snow is getting deep and sister could be sent home early from wherever she is, and I need to go pee at home before she gets there.

On my way out of the building I'm in I pass through a set of doors and find myself in a banquet hall full of people celebrating "Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job" for some dumbass reason. Holy shit this banquet sucked! It was full of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, thier fans, and the lame ass stunt/gag/jokes from the show. Wtf seriously. I leave that room and go home.

I get home and go looking for the potty. Instead I find myself looking out the window to see my car, which is now leaning up against the house and the trunk section is broken and on the ground behind it. The whole thing looks banged up. Did I park it there like that? I look for another window to look out because that can't really be my car, I must be dreaming. I find the other window and my car is still diagonal and broken, so I must not be dreaming.

Just then my sister gets home and I lost my chance to pee.

New York City (5-1-09)B

Amanda needs to see a Dr for some thing or whatever. Instead of going to her usual Dr she wants to go to this random place she saw once in Bloomfield, and wants me to tell her how to get there. I have no idea. We drive around in the dark.

Next day we end up in NYC. Okay... We find public parking and we park and go exploring. One of the first places we pass is some bar. Thier menu is on the window. They have crab legs: "1 leg is $3, 5 legs are $5, and there is no additional charge for 10 legs". Amanda thinks the sign says that it's free if you get 10 crab legs, so she runs in. I go in as well.

We are seated at a booth and there is a cauldron of seafood soup on the table. In it is green prawns, squid rings, whole octopi, and a shit load of onions. Broth too, obviously. We each get some soup and eat it. Some old people walk into the bar and are now sitting in our booth like we arn't even there. After a few mins the waitress shoos them away and gets them a booth of thier own.

At some point we become aware of a dessert buffet in the other side of the bar. Sweet. I decided that I needed to pee first. I go find the bathroom and go into a stall to pee. 2 stalls away I can hear a man and a woman discussing stuff in hushed tones. Probably the illicit bathroom stall sex that they are no doubt getting ready to have. Gross. The women's bathroom is filling up with people so I hurry up and flush the toilet. Naturally it over flows violently sending a tsunami of
pee-water onto the shoes of the people waiting outside the stall. I get sworn at by some guys. The cleaning crew runs in to take care of the angry people and the water. The paper towels in this bathroom are actually made up of fair isle knits. I was going to take a piece to show my SnB but the drama of the overflow forced me to leave quickly.

Attatched to this bar was a game room. We went in. There is this mars rover-looking robot that circles the game room area and drops out plastic vending eggs (like they have @ the supermarket and it costs 50 cents to get some silly toy) randomly behind it. A group of people get us to help them corner it so it will drop a ton of toys. We scoop up the eggs and run off to open them. It's all little crappy things but it's fun as hell. I did not bring a purse since this Bloomfield-Dr trip was so spontaneous, so I had to find a bowl for my little plastic toys. We get separated in one of the rooms. I wandered around and found the robot and tried to chase it. I guess it has sensors that tell it if it's being chased, and it will zoom away even faster. There are nooks in the wall to collect eggs and empty egg shells so they won't become tripping hazards. I drig through one of them and find a larger egg (they varried in size from panty-hose container to the size of a blackberry [kinda bumpy like one too]). Inside the larger egg was a necklace composed of a plastic pendant shaped like the USS Enterprise with a blue LED in it, and on either side of that were the plastic heads of Spock and Kirk. It rocked. I put it on.

Claire's Corner Copia (5-1-09)A

There is this vegetarian bakery/deli in New Haven called Claire's Corner Copia. Apparently if you are the last patron in the shop (like if the shop empties suddenly, not at the end of the day neccesarily) the staff will kill you. This was a little known fact, otherwise I'd imagine they would have 0 patrons all the time.

I go there one day fully knowing this. It is totally busy when I get there. Lines everywhere. I line up and choose a slice of cake and order it. While I am slowly eating the cake the shop starts to empty out. When there are just myself and another person in the store, the manager somes over and asks me if I need anything else. I say a drink of water, and also that I will be leaving this establishment alive today. The manager looks at me with a raised eyebrown, I look at him with a raised eyebrow. The other customer leaves. The staff lunges at me and I kick all thier asses and leave. Losers. I went there several more times to hand out ass kickings because it's fun as hell. Plus the cake is really good.

Animals (4/10/09)

I'm house sitting @ the house with a cat and a dog, and also Ladymedic's dog is there too. I let LM's dog out to potty one night and the cat got out too. When I opened the door to let the dog and cat return they run into the house and behind them are more cats. They don't seem aggresive in any way other than how they barged into the house so I let them stay. They are all dark colored cats except for that one that was a red abbysian (sp?). This one was sortof a dark redish-purpleish-brown and long and pointy the was a siamese is. Awesome. Pretty cat.

I wasn't sure why these cats were running to the house all of a sudden. More were at the door trying to get in. I let them in and in runs another red cat. Oh wait, no, that is a fox. Shit! It's trying to eat the cats!

I manage to get the fox back outside. It only ate a few of the cats, including the red one, and a small white kitten that was on the porch waiting to get in. I feel guilty about that one. There was nothing I could do. I had to keep the fox out and the animals I was being paid to watch in.

..Goes to Jupiter to get More Stupider (4/07/09)B

The spaceship from Jupiter is round and can't fly very well. Or, maybe it isn't being steered very well. It sucks. It bounces around in the sky like a glowing retard. We get on it anyways. We go to Jupiter.

Why do we go to Jupiter? We hear they have coconut cake. That is why. We, sister and I, find ourselves in this hallway with extremely tall ceilings. There are doors leading to lecture halls that also have tall ceilings. Somewhere in a lecture hall on Jupiter is a fat lady with a cake and I want to find out which lecture hall it is in.

..Goes to College to get More Knowlege (4/07/09)A

I'm in this horticulture class and for the final exam we are to grow some random shit in a random place of the instructor's choosing. He takes us to what looks like a giant meteor crater in a desert and hands us a polaroid of a big purple dot. We have to go find our big purple dots out in the crater by interpreting the scenery in the photo. I can kinda see my dot in the distance on the crater's rim. I head over there.

I end up taking my soil-terrarium into a shed to work on it out of the sun and plan my exam garden. I think of what I can grow in it, and I come up with random household trimmings like a carrot top, a potato eye....etc.. I go back home to get these things (it's allowed).

When I get back I'm setting up my trimmings in the terrarium and getting the soil to the right moisture content and trying to figure out how I will keep the soil moist in the desert when I'm not there over the weekend. Another student is in the shed working too. Apparently their purple dot was inside the shed.

The Prostitute and the Gentleman (4/5/09)

An undercover detective enlists the help of a woman dressed like a hooker in his fight against crime in the city. She pretty much walks the street virtually unnoticed, and when she sees the bad guys doing whatever, she discretely hits a locator button and the detective and his back up arrive on the scene shortly.

One day she was going to put on some crazy whore clothes and fake eyelashes and crap, but when she want to her dressing room it was all gone. The FBI took it b/c it was too whorey. Whatever. She went out onto the street with her undergarments and a towel on.

Later she found a gang war, and when she hit the locator button the gangs noticed her and opened fire. She fired back with the locator, which is also a gun. She almost hit the detective.

My Grandparent's House (4/01/09)

I'm visiting my Tx Grandparents (yeah, both of them). It's some sort of family get together. I have this super huge list of things that I need to do in the next few days so I am trying to do them from there. My grandparent's house is weird. It looks like a strange amalgamation of Ladymedic's apartment's living room, NY Grandmother's house's top floor, and a giant furnished basement. It is awesome. In order to get my crap done for the next few days I needed to get to bed at a reasonable time. I go to one of the upstairs bedrooms to stake out a claim. My mother and sister are already in the beds in the small middle room. Twin beds, even. I can't share those with them.

I go down to the basement to take a look at what is around for beds. Holy crap the place is huge! Lots of bedrooms! They could rent them out if they wanted. I go choose one and try to make some phone calls. People are in that room already. Ok, so I choose another room. People are in there too, but there is an extra bed, so I can have that one. I go out to the middle of the basement to make my calls in peace. Suddenly a bunch of people start walking around in the basement. There are cousins and coworkers and SnBers. WTF? Some of them jump onto couches with thier laptops and Shush me so they can study. I start walking around the huge basement looking for a new quiet place to make my calls. At some point I find a bar, and not like a bar that is a pole, but like a bar where people drink, and there are a lot of people there. This bar does a brisk trade. I'm already in my pajamas, kinda tired, and really needing to get my shit done and make my calls. I need to do laundry too. There is no time for going to a bar.

Girl's Night In.... While Out? (3/27/09)B

It's friday, and I'm going to be going over to LadyMedic's house for a Girl's Night In get together. I figure it's just a few girls, a guy or two prolly, and some knitting and wine. Fun X's.
Turns out I have not slept very well and I am super tired (This is the dream by the way, which is partially similar to how it was in RL) and really don't feel like going anywhere other than to bed for a nap. The time gets loser and closer to the time I was supposed to go over. I almost start to reconsider getting up and going over, but then It's like 7pm and they are here for some reason, not at LM's house. Odd. Oh, I guess it's because I'll be watching LM's kid while they are out. Yeah, I guess In turned to Out. Thats fine. What's not fine is that the couple of girls going out were wearing pasties instead of shirts. It's so not legal.

Race to Human Mountain (3/27/09)A

The alien kids on Race to Witch Mountain might be pleasant, but the rest of the people on their planet are dicks!

I'm in one of their houses mysteriously. I am not sure how I got there and I think I'm still on earth. The family living there is really tired of seeing me wander around like a noob and they start demanding that I leave. Their pets come out of wherever they have been hiding. 3 cats. One cat is normal like your typical earth cat, with a normal earth cat body and a normal earth cat pointed muzzle. The other two cats had long necks and their heads were flush with their necks in some weird half-cylinder. It's like a furry stalk of celery with a face on it. Also they had a really weird meow.

I asked the family WTF was up with their cats and they were like "Nothing is TF up with our cats, GTFO, for real."

Then I go, and I realize that I'm on Witch Mountain's planet and not earth, and that is why the cats looked all crappy.

Scorpion (3/25/09)

I found a 7 inch scorpion in the house. It's pretty nasty. I mashed it into a green paste, probably with some cilantro.

Bake Sale (3/24/09)

I'm walking around on campus. I have no idea why I feel the need to go to campus if I'm not going to go to my classes. My report card is going to suck!
In one building I see various baked goods set out on a long table. They look good so I go in. I see prices. A bake sale? Sweet. I get a plate and start choosing the bars that I want. Banana something? Yes. Someone took the last thing with blueberries before I could get it. Ugly cookie? Not so much.
Mr Murphree walks up to me and is talking to me about stuf. I think he still thinks I'm around in the high school. It's been like 15 years now since I was in his class. You think he'd know better.

Mexicans (3/23/09)

My family and I are in the living room (old house) when the mexicans beat the door down. Other than the beating of the door they don't seem violent. They just want some stuff in the kitchen. We ignore them. My cat Sneakers is in the window with no screen. Another cat unknown to us is in the window with a screen. This new cat walks up to the screen-less window where Sneakers is relaxing and forces her out of it. We hear a thud on the lawn.
Fuck.
I run out to the flower bush and my cat is twitching on the ground.

CLASSIC: My Guest Spot on Babylon 5 (January 7ish 1996)

New feature on the Dream Blog: Dreams I Had A Long Time Ago

If you followed the show at all..... There was a 2 part episode about time travel and during the time traveling one of the characters, Captain Sheridan, got 'unstuck' in time and ended up flopping around in time periods. Thats when he ran into me on Earth, January 1996.

The rest of his time traveling crew came for him in a transport ship from the larger spaceship, and this transport ship looked like a large trasnparent cube. It was not fun to ride in for that very reason.

The captain gets back to his ship and all is well in B5 and I go home.

(Yeah, so I remember the date 13 years ago blah blah. It was right after new years, I had a paper due in my Ethnic Studies class that monday, but a huge blizzard came though and cancelled school that day. There was like 2.5 -3 feet of snow. It rocked ass.)

Sable the Cat (03/10/09)

IRL: We recently had a cat from the humane society living with us while an injury healed. Shortly before he was scheduled to come back he figured out how to open doors. His name is Sable.

Dream: Sable keeps opening doors. It's so stressful. Sometimes he opens the door to the bathroom (where we keep him) and gets our cats to go in and then shuts the door on them. Sometimes he leaves the house altogether and we have to go chase him up and down the street.

Ishtar (3/4/09)

There is this crazy planet of craziness. We join our protagonists in the middle of the ocean. One is a anthropomorphic squid, who doubles as an inner-tube. Floating on this squid is a small female creature and some other creature. It's not important what they are. They are going to the city to see the gods and goddesses in the temple.

Next we see our protagonists in the city. The city is a rough place, full of bead vendors and rapists. Somehow our trio of misfits makes it to the temple doors. It's like disney world. It's a big tourist destination and there are lines everywhere. The first room in the temple is this strange pool with a goddess named Ishtar in it. Our characters walk/float/swim through the pool and when they get to the other side they have temporarily transparent bodies (it's like a metaphor or something about the goddess seeing what's inside of them). Ishtar takes the trio asside and gives them helpfull life advice, usually involving Cosmopolitain magazine in some way.

The next room is a big lecture hall and all of the people there had to walk though a hall and get some seating assignment. The female creatures seat number was not available at the time, so the attendant gave her his phone number so she could get the seat assignment later.

Stereo Ghosts & Japanese Supermodel Tornados(3/3/09)

One night (in the old house, wtf?) I can't sleep so I walk out to the kitchen to get something. Just then the stereo starts playing music all by itself. It was some song that I heard in the movie Gremlins, "....Do you hear what I hear?..". Weird. I shut off the stereo and start to walk back to my room. Just then the other stereo starts up with the same song. The first stereo starts up again too. Realizing that something paranormal is going on here I plop down in the middle of the living room and start begging the ghosts to stop. I really needed to get some sleep.

Later on I find myself in an elementary school in Japan telling them of my stereo ghost experience. The teachers kept talking over me and interupting me. I really hate that. The weather outside was kinda frightful. At some point I looked out and saw funnel clouds. Like 6 of them even. Shit! These clouds were kinda funny looking for funnel clouds, as they were sortof shaped like slender legs, and they connected to these larger inverted funnels that looked like skirts. Um, okay. The tornado-legs were cat-walking towards the school. I order the kids to get into the interior rooms of the building, esp if there were no windows or butcher knives in them, and get into a ball and cover thier heads.

Peach Muffins (3/2/09)

My grandfather is back, again, and I'm in the old house, again. More specifically, I am in the kitchen. I had just made a batch of those peach muffins with that recipe from Lyman Orchard that came out really good with PYO* peaches but not so good with canned peaches. I had used canned peaches this time, sadly. They were kinda eh. A lot EH actually. Almost really bad. I had alot of them, and I'd probably take them to work, as those tards will eat anything left unattended.

My grandfather was in the kitchen investigating the cooling racks. I offered him some of the muffins. IDK, just because I hate them does not mean that they are inedible to other people. He takes one into his hand and has a bite. He takes one into his other hand and has a bite. Before I can stop him He cuts into the giant muffin (It's some gaudy cake pan set that looks like the bottom of a cupcake and the top of a cup cake that you put together after you bake them. You can buy it in the Skymall catalog, or at Hobby Lobby/A.C. Moore/Jo Ann etc...) and starts scooping out the peach jam filling I put in it. Weird. It was stupid looking anyways.

My grandfather starts telling me of his new house and his new roommate. I look into the backyard and I see the roommate and a bright red sports car.


*PYO= Pick Your Own. If produce in your area is available for PYO, do it! It's the best! PickYourOwn.org

New Store (2/24/09)

My family decided to open a store. What kind of store? I'm not really sure. An evertything store. The store didn't even have a name. It's this great big warehouse looking deal in a strip mall. Hmm.

I decided that maybe the no-name everything store would do well with a plant at the doorway. You know, like an ivy for the trellis archway at the entrance of the store. That would be inviting. I ask Sarizona if she'd be interested in having me plant grapes, because I really like comparing the yields and other qualities of seed packets.

The Temp (2/22/2009)

IRL= My Grandfather died 2 weeks ago.

Dream= My Grandfather is back. Temporarily.

It's sorof like a benign zombie. No brain cravings. Just a regular guy who will die again unexpectedly in the near future. Not really sure where he came from, who resurected him, or why he (or even WE actually) were in our old house. He was in the brown armchair.

Knowing of his condition I kept asking him "How are you feeling?" to which he would reply "Why do you keep asking me that?"
Weird. Gross morbid and weird.

One day I am walking up the steps that lead from the front door into the kitchen and I see him slumped over forward in the armchair. I call to my dad to come to the room to figure out what to do with the expired zombie. The sound of my entrance and call for help woke him up. He was just sleeping.