Church Ladies (5/30/08)

I went to church against my will. My mom, grandmother, sister, great aunt, and aunt were there. It was upstate ny.
Church is not a place I go to.
It sucked hard.
HARD.
First there was that boring begining part. That was boring. Then we all had to crowd the front part (Pulpit? Stage? Front part?) like it's a concert. The pervert priest was behind me massaging my shoulders. I was trying to shrug him off and get him away from me. He wasn't taking the hint so I had to get loud and beligerent with him. Fuckhead.

There was a third part that was like the first part in that it was boring and it involved being bored in the pews. Mass ended at long last. People were filing out and new people were filing in for the next service. My grandmother, who passed on 12 years ago, needed some help getting out of the pews. I was told to go back in and get her.

Some new old ladies had already sat down in that pew, blocking in my grandmother. I kindly asked them to get up so I could get my grandmother out. One old lady accused me of wanting to get back into the pews to get a really good seat (i.e. like these ladies had) for the next service, the implecation being that I had been in the first service and liked it so much that I was going to stay to see it again.

"Shut the fuck up and move!" I say.

A lady in the pew behind this one says something like "Well listen to you, young lady! You cuss like you are from Arizona, or Connecticut!". It's like both an insult and a pseudo-intelligent conversation starter.

"You bet your ass I'm from CT!"

Meanwhile someone else from my entourage gets my grandmother out from the other end of the pew. I dismiss the old ladies with the hawaiian good luck gesture and go to leave.

My punk ass family left without me. The church was near some sort of naval yard. There were tanker ships full of milk pulling into port. Since I was trespassing somehow I told them I was an official. They left me alone after that. Then I broke something at the docks and one of the docks started bobbing into the water. I don't like water. I stumble away to higher ground. My mom is waiting there disapproving of my whole lie about being a milk official and stuff. Whatever. We go to the gift shop.

the end.